It's good for you to write about how it's going- for better or worse. I mean it must be good for you or you wouldn't be doing it and it's good for us so we can keep sending subtle waves of encouragement and affection, even though some of us- like me- don't actually know you except through your work. Much appreciation for the efforts your family make to post these entries.
Thank you for your courage and for speaking your truth however shitty and raw... what an intense nightmare you are going through. It feels somewhat voyeuristic to be going through it with you like this, reading about the traumas, indignities, fears and frustrations, but not experiencing them directly. However, the immediacy and honesty in your writing brings me as close as is possible, and as long as it serves you in some way to write about it, I will treasure your newsletter entries, both as a means to learn from your insights as you are forced to reconsider the meaning of everything, and also to practice holding a space of compassion and love in my heart for you in your suffering. I, and I suspect hundreds and possibly thousands of others, are rooting for you, each daily step of your journey.
Somehow, reading your words, being let into some of what is happening to you, matters to me. I don't know how that works, but I am so grateful you are willing to share what is happening to you. Thank you.
Definitely a bad day, Hanif, very sorry, though I like The Maestro with the cappucino through a straw and imagine him as a daily fixture. Today I bought a very nice old copy of My Beautiful Laundrette for one of my grandsons' birthday, thinking of you in Rome. He wanted poetry books thin enough to go in his school jacket pocket - i had to keep explaining in the shop I wasn't stealing books, but trying to see which fitted in my pocket. So he got you and Neruda - he'll be happy, and you'll be in a teenage pocket.
Hanif, I am reading your posts from my home in Bangkok. I’m pretty much an atheist, but both my boyfriend and I will say prayers to the Buddha and to Ganesha for you. Ganesha is the remover of obstacles and the god of new beginnings. (I have a theory that the gods pay special attention when an atheist prays to them!)
I have cancer. Three surgeries in, I still have cancer. But I cherish the life that is given. And the frustration and anger at being helpless in the face of the body struggles are real. I hope you'll make it into the next phase of reflection and taking coffees to the next person in line. Hugs. Cynthia
A reason that these entries are so valuable is that each of us at some time or other finds ourself in a terrifying situation- and realizes that no one else knows what is happening to us. Since I don’t recall what dying is like I can only think of times when I’ve been alone and frightened, realizing that friends and family could not help me, didn’t even know what was happening. These times are brought to mind reading these entries- the utter strangeness of what can happen to us at any moment
Sounds like a really tough day - sorry to hear you’ve been prodded and poked about. Hopefully that means you’ll be left alone a bit more tomorrow. Cappuccino through a straw - it’s amazing how quickly a new norm forms. I used to be given milky coffee from a baby beaker in hospital back in the day. I can still taste the plastic even now.
It’s been snowing here a little today - I’ve been curled up on the sofa with two of my sleeping cats trying to stay warm. Easy day playing scrabble and learning French mainly wrapped up in layers and blankets! South Yorkshire is freezing up - the thought of Italy warms me slightly.
I'm so sorry for your bad night and all bad nights. Better ones will come. I hope they might give you acupuncture which is brilliant for pain and for restoring a balanced flow of energy in the body. In the end, everything is energy. Seize the better days and memorize all feelings of happiness and joy. They are truly healing. Thank you for sharing your journey. We send prayers, love, appreciation and healing energy to you, Hanif.
I fear that all my “comments” will be all the same. Take strength from people who don’t even know you, have never gone through anything like this, and have no need for or desire to be in a public forum. I am reading the letters of Seneca - and about his life. Deeply inspiring. Send you love from a stranger and I hope you feel the strength in it. You will get through this. Music helps.
Hanif, I’m so sorry you had a bad day. It doesn’t matter how much you write, long or short your missives are precious like Sapphic fragments.
It's good for you to write about how it's going- for better or worse. I mean it must be good for you or you wouldn't be doing it and it's good for us so we can keep sending subtle waves of encouragement and affection, even though some of us- like me- don't actually know you except through your work. Much appreciation for the efforts your family make to post these entries.
Thank you for your courage and for speaking your truth however shitty and raw... what an intense nightmare you are going through. It feels somewhat voyeuristic to be going through it with you like this, reading about the traumas, indignities, fears and frustrations, but not experiencing them directly. However, the immediacy and honesty in your writing brings me as close as is possible, and as long as it serves you in some way to write about it, I will treasure your newsletter entries, both as a means to learn from your insights as you are forced to reconsider the meaning of everything, and also to practice holding a space of compassion and love in my heart for you in your suffering. I, and I suspect hundreds and possibly thousands of others, are rooting for you, each daily step of your journey.
Somehow, reading your words, being let into some of what is happening to you, matters to me. I don't know how that works, but I am so grateful you are willing to share what is happening to you. Thank you.
Definitely a bad day, Hanif, very sorry, though I like The Maestro with the cappucino through a straw and imagine him as a daily fixture. Today I bought a very nice old copy of My Beautiful Laundrette for one of my grandsons' birthday, thinking of you in Rome. He wanted poetry books thin enough to go in his school jacket pocket - i had to keep explaining in the shop I wasn't stealing books, but trying to see which fitted in my pocket. So he got you and Neruda - he'll be happy, and you'll be in a teenage pocket.
hang in there. amazing you can get words out to us at all. "incident with the fish" not to be repeated. wishing you some rest and relief.
Hanif, I am reading your posts from my home in Bangkok. I’m pretty much an atheist, but both my boyfriend and I will say prayers to the Buddha and to Ganesha for you. Ganesha is the remover of obstacles and the god of new beginnings. (I have a theory that the gods pay special attention when an atheist prays to them!)
Coraggio, Hanif.
I have cancer. Three surgeries in, I still have cancer. But I cherish the life that is given. And the frustration and anger at being helpless in the face of the body struggles are real. I hope you'll make it into the next phase of reflection and taking coffees to the next person in line. Hugs. Cynthia
A reason that these entries are so valuable is that each of us at some time or other finds ourself in a terrifying situation- and realizes that no one else knows what is happening to us. Since I don’t recall what dying is like I can only think of times when I’ve been alone and frightened, realizing that friends and family could not help me, didn’t even know what was happening. These times are brought to mind reading these entries- the utter strangeness of what can happen to us at any moment
With everyone else, I salute your courage and strength in the face of so much pain and trauma.
Ciao Hanif, love love and love from Mario
It stinks that rehab is all peaks and valleys, never a 45 degree angles. Am sending you patience to endure it all. And
Good evening Hanif,
Sounds like a really tough day - sorry to hear you’ve been prodded and poked about. Hopefully that means you’ll be left alone a bit more tomorrow. Cappuccino through a straw - it’s amazing how quickly a new norm forms. I used to be given milky coffee from a baby beaker in hospital back in the day. I can still taste the plastic even now.
It’s been snowing here a little today - I’ve been curled up on the sofa with two of my sleeping cats trying to stay warm. Easy day playing scrabble and learning French mainly wrapped up in layers and blankets! South Yorkshire is freezing up - the thought of Italy warms me slightly.
Take care, rest and keep writing.
Lots of love Kate x
I'm so sorry for your bad night and all bad nights. Better ones will come. I hope they might give you acupuncture which is brilliant for pain and for restoring a balanced flow of energy in the body. In the end, everything is energy. Seize the better days and memorize all feelings of happiness and joy. They are truly healing. Thank you for sharing your journey. We send prayers, love, appreciation and healing energy to you, Hanif.
I write and delete and write and delete.
I fear that all my “comments” will be all the same. Take strength from people who don’t even know you, have never gone through anything like this, and have no need for or desire to be in a public forum. I am reading the letters of Seneca - and about his life. Deeply inspiring. Send you love from a stranger and I hope you feel the strength in it. You will get through this. Music helps.