Unlike you, Hanif, who finds the thought of being alone difficult, I require very little in the way of human contact. I am not a misanthrope; it's just that I can manage on my own. If I am ever marooned on a desert island, my solipsism will at least spare me the prospect of an intimate relationship with a volleyball who I have named Wilson.
I have, by choice, very few friends. The majority no longer live in the UK. I see them face to face infrequently. We have all travelled widely and wildly, and are united by shared experiences that appear to kindle a combination of horror and incredulity among those who have not lived as we have.
Strangely these experiences do not dominate our conversations. I am currently embroiled in an ongoing email discussion with one of them, regarding the heavy metal band Manowar, and the credibility of the lead singer Joey DeMaio's dualistic concepts of true and false metal. I believe that true metal is a Platonic form that cannot be found in nature. DeMaio, whether he chooses to admit it or not, is playing some variation of false metal, to which he claims to be ideologically opposed.
Just as there are things that one might discuss with a friend that would be off-limits with a parent, I find that there are also topics that are better-suited to friends than they are to partners and vice versa. The only time I take advice from friends is if it can be expressed in the form of a short sentence: 'Stop being a dick' is one that I have heard in so many variations, I could write the thesaurus entry on it.
When I was diagnosed with PSC, I sought out people who also had the disease. It turns out that, just because you share a common ailment with someone, doesn't mean that you have anything else in common with them. I eventually found a couple of people who I imagined I would have been friends with under different circumstances. They are both dead now. Somehow I am not, though in a hypothetically moral universe, of the three of us, I deserved it the most. One of them, Cat Moore, I miss terribly.
When I was seven, my family moved across town and I started at a different school. On my first day, the deputy headmistress sat me down with two other boys. “These are your friends,” she told me. Curiously, I remained 'friends' with one of them for the next two decades. In all that time, though we shared some common niche interests, neither of us liked the other very much. Eventually we came to blows and, at my request, never saw each other again.
Conversely, there are people with whom I was great friends, but who went in different directions in their lives. I have found that, when this happens, it is better to let them go, though the friendship remains and always will.
There was a person who I knew online for a few years, who has now willingly removed themselves from the Internet. I miss them, but was happy to see them move on, hopefully to better things. Nobody is leading their best life online.
You've captured so well a certain kind of friendship--the best kind, really. The talking, the rambling, the silences, the shared vision, the unexpected differences over which you can bicker, the unexpected view, the sorrows, but most of all, for me, the laughs. Thanks for this.
Hanif, I’m reminded of something that VSPritchett once said: Sex is the laughter of two bodies. I’ve always loved that quote because I absolutely agree. Laughter could very well be the sex of friendship too. Laughter is connection, it can turn turn intimate, a moment of mutual recognition.
Unlike sex, you can laugh almost anywhere, in many circumstances. Thank God. I think a good guffaw is orgasmic.
Your writing is always so provoking - it makes you think about things in a different way. I revere friendship above all other relationships. You add sex and it is gone - the essence of a good friendship is what you say, the comfort of it. Which can disappear perhaps suddenly. If you change your relationships do. You have set me on a spiral of thought all about sexual relationships now Hanif. Which is why one night stands are so appealing - not enough time to confront yourself really. Thank you as always for letting me ramble on on here. I haven't anything exciting to tell you - except tomorrow I am travelling and am beside myself with jumpiness. At this moment in time, I would say I have no real close friends - it's just happened like that and think it's me that changed - the friendships forming now are unlikely ones some very random even. A word I heard on Radio 4 (I know)was peripheral friendships - have you heard of this? They meant like the dogwalker I say hallo to and share stuff with most mornings (I don't have a dog. More, I know.) I really liked that concept. Do you think the whole concept of friendship has changed? Could we be at last evolving in this respect - I write to you as a fellow human although we have never met and might never do. Anyhow - I leave you with the compliment that you have given me new thoughts and ideas. With love and care Maddi, from a tiny village in deepest North Yorkshire xx
I had known the individual for nearly 50 years and we had had many arguments where we didn't speak for over a decade. From my point of view the friendship was over when he told me not to 'wallow in it' about my daughter's death.
“Laughter is the sex of friendship.” Wonderful! But is sex the laughter of lovers? Hmmm. As for sitting side by side, lovers certainly do so. They like to touch each other, even in (especially in!) public places. Another great post, Hanif.
There is a definition of friendship here which seems obvious but isn't. A friend is someone you enjoy spending idle time with. Some people define friendship in terms of being loyal, being "there for you" when you need something, being a channel through which you can tell (and be told) anything intimate. Maybe it is those things too, but, at least for me, a friend is someone I have fun being with for a couple of idle hours.
It was lovely to read the chapter on our friendship in your biography. I am glad you valued it, and that we shared that vibrant time at college together. Much love, Julia xx
You capture the meandering expansive aspect of these kind of friendships so well. And the shared history sometimes. I loved how you wrote Maurice and Ian's friendship in "Venus". Loved spotting the Kentish Town locations and the beautiful scene in the Actor's Church, and Laurence Harvey's plaque. And the friendship too between Maurice and Jessie. I sat next to JW for hours in a cafe once and wanted to tell her how much I loved the film but didn't want to disturb her privacy. Happy to be able to tell you now what a gorgeous film it is!
Thank you for this very interesting piece, Mr. Kureishi. I also have a question concerning your novel, "The Nothing". In what ways--if any-- do you think this novel would be different if you wrote it now? Can personal experiences make a better novel than when the writer just uses his/her imagination? Thank you and best wishes to you. Laura from Budapest
Unlike you, Hanif, who finds the thought of being alone difficult, I require very little in the way of human contact. I am not a misanthrope; it's just that I can manage on my own. If I am ever marooned on a desert island, my solipsism will at least spare me the prospect of an intimate relationship with a volleyball who I have named Wilson.
I have, by choice, very few friends. The majority no longer live in the UK. I see them face to face infrequently. We have all travelled widely and wildly, and are united by shared experiences that appear to kindle a combination of horror and incredulity among those who have not lived as we have.
Strangely these experiences do not dominate our conversations. I am currently embroiled in an ongoing email discussion with one of them, regarding the heavy metal band Manowar, and the credibility of the lead singer Joey DeMaio's dualistic concepts of true and false metal. I believe that true metal is a Platonic form that cannot be found in nature. DeMaio, whether he chooses to admit it or not, is playing some variation of false metal, to which he claims to be ideologically opposed.
Just as there are things that one might discuss with a friend that would be off-limits with a parent, I find that there are also topics that are better-suited to friends than they are to partners and vice versa. The only time I take advice from friends is if it can be expressed in the form of a short sentence: 'Stop being a dick' is one that I have heard in so many variations, I could write the thesaurus entry on it.
When I was diagnosed with PSC, I sought out people who also had the disease. It turns out that, just because you share a common ailment with someone, doesn't mean that you have anything else in common with them. I eventually found a couple of people who I imagined I would have been friends with under different circumstances. They are both dead now. Somehow I am not, though in a hypothetically moral universe, of the three of us, I deserved it the most. One of them, Cat Moore, I miss terribly.
When I was seven, my family moved across town and I started at a different school. On my first day, the deputy headmistress sat me down with two other boys. “These are your friends,” she told me. Curiously, I remained 'friends' with one of them for the next two decades. In all that time, though we shared some common niche interests, neither of us liked the other very much. Eventually we came to blows and, at my request, never saw each other again.
Conversely, there are people with whom I was great friends, but who went in different directions in their lives. I have found that, when this happens, it is better to let them go, though the friendship remains and always will.
There was a person who I knew online for a few years, who has now willingly removed themselves from the Internet. I miss them, but was happy to see them move on, hopefully to better things. Nobody is leading their best life online.
You've captured so well a certain kind of friendship--the best kind, really. The talking, the rambling, the silences, the shared vision, the unexpected differences over which you can bicker, the unexpected view, the sorrows, but most of all, for me, the laughs. Thanks for this.
Hanif, I’m reminded of something that VSPritchett once said: Sex is the laughter of two bodies. I’ve always loved that quote because I absolutely agree. Laughter could very well be the sex of friendship too. Laughter is connection, it can turn turn intimate, a moment of mutual recognition.
Unlike sex, you can laugh almost anywhere, in many circumstances. Thank God. I think a good guffaw is orgasmic.
Your writing is always so provoking - it makes you think about things in a different way. I revere friendship above all other relationships. You add sex and it is gone - the essence of a good friendship is what you say, the comfort of it. Which can disappear perhaps suddenly. If you change your relationships do. You have set me on a spiral of thought all about sexual relationships now Hanif. Which is why one night stands are so appealing - not enough time to confront yourself really. Thank you as always for letting me ramble on on here. I haven't anything exciting to tell you - except tomorrow I am travelling and am beside myself with jumpiness. At this moment in time, I would say I have no real close friends - it's just happened like that and think it's me that changed - the friendships forming now are unlikely ones some very random even. A word I heard on Radio 4 (I know)was peripheral friendships - have you heard of this? They meant like the dogwalker I say hallo to and share stuff with most mornings (I don't have a dog. More, I know.) I really liked that concept. Do you think the whole concept of friendship has changed? Could we be at last evolving in this respect - I write to you as a fellow human although we have never met and might never do. Anyhow - I leave you with the compliment that you have given me new thoughts and ideas. With love and care Maddi, from a tiny village in deepest North Yorkshire xx
I have had a couple of long standing friendships end in the last few years. In some cases I have queried whether they were ever real.
I had known the individual for nearly 50 years and we had had many arguments where we didn't speak for over a decade. From my point of view the friendship was over when he told me not to 'wallow in it' about my daughter's death.
“Laughter is the sex of friendship.” I love this piece Hanif. Want to share it immediately with all my close friends ... THANK YOU! Xoxo
“Laughter is the sex of friendship.” Wonderful! But is sex the laughter of lovers? Hmmm. As for sitting side by side, lovers certainly do so. They like to touch each other, even in (especially in!) public places. Another great post, Hanif.
There is a definition of friendship here which seems obvious but isn't. A friend is someone you enjoy spending idle time with. Some people define friendship in terms of being loyal, being "there for you" when you need something, being a channel through which you can tell (and be told) anything intimate. Maybe it is those things too, but, at least for me, a friend is someone I have fun being with for a couple of idle hours.
How would you describe this exact same friendship, the conversations, every detail, if they became your lover?
It was lovely to read the chapter on our friendship in your biography. I am glad you valued it, and that we shared that vibrant time at college together. Much love, Julia xx
You capture the meandering expansive aspect of these kind of friendships so well. And the shared history sometimes. I loved how you wrote Maurice and Ian's friendship in "Venus". Loved spotting the Kentish Town locations and the beautiful scene in the Actor's Church, and Laurence Harvey's plaque. And the friendship too between Maurice and Jessie. I sat next to JW for hours in a cafe once and wanted to tell her how much I loved the film but didn't want to disturb her privacy. Happy to be able to tell you now what a gorgeous film it is!
Thank you for this very interesting piece, Mr. Kureishi. I also have a question concerning your novel, "The Nothing". In what ways--if any-- do you think this novel would be different if you wrote it now? Can personal experiences make a better novel than when the writer just uses his/her imagination? Thank you and best wishes to you. Laura from Budapest
PLEASE TELL A WAY TO CONTRIBUTE MONEY WITHOUT BECOMING A PAID SUBSCRIBER.
How did ‘The Spank’ get translated into Italian? Or did you keep the English title?